How NOT to date aka another justified rant...

  

As part of my independent project at university and show ‘The Dating Game’, I have had the somewhat interesting task of getting to grips with modern guides on dating widely available to singletons at local high street stores.

Some tend to revert to older, more tried and tested methods and tips for romance whilst others take a more updated laid back and ‘c’est la vie’ attitude to finding true love. But nothing could have prepared me for the horror that I stumbled upon on the shelf of a reputable high street bookshop yesterday.

‘The New Rules’ by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider contains such ridiculous and almost backward instructions on modern dating that on first glimpse, I actually thought this book was a spoof.

Rule #6 for example, instructs you to :

Wait at least four hours to answer a guy’s first text and a minimum of 30 minutes thereafter (Fein and Schneider 2013:46).

Four hours!!!! That’s nearly a full school day! (My preferred measurement of the slow passing of time when I was a young’un!) No wonder women get a bad rep for being complicated when this material is out there.  The idea that you should wait this long is to make your date believe you have a life. Well you probably would have more of a life if you weren’t sat watching the clock, anticipating the next time you are ‘allowed’ to text your Romeo. Besides if texting back too ‘quickly’ implies to your date that you are not an ultra cool chick with a life (which you clearly are) then surely this person is not worth your time anyway??

Here’s an idea ladies, why not text back when you want to? Why does it matter if there is a sudden to-ing and fro-ing of excited ‘getting to know each other’ texts? Isn’t that what meeting someone is all about? Uncontrollable excitement (oi, don’t make your own up…) But seriously, say you hit it off with this date…playing the games has (oddly) paid off and you are suddenly embarking on a long term relationship which will see you both through until ‘death us do part’. In the event of this, I’m sure there will be an increasing pause between text responses, in fact, in some cases you may not even get a response. So why destroy the initial flurries of enthusiasm that are so likely to wane as time goes on. Effectively, these women are suggesting we  RUIN THE BEST BIT!!!

Hold on a cotton picking moment, there’s more to this rule. Once in a committed relationship I should commit to waiting at least 30 minutes before responding to my beloved! That should go down very well when he’s standing in the chilled aisle of Asda wondering if we need to restock our Babybel supply (which more often than not we do, I can get through those things like water…).

Surely the ‘games’ should be long gone by now? When do these women ‘allow’ the games to stop?

Other things that are a strictly no go area are paying for dinner and my favourite to not dress in your own unique style or otherwise known as dressing for other women. What is fully endorsed however, is to

wear sexy, trendy (though not necessarily expensive) clothes, like tops that show some cleavage with a push up bra and short skirt’ (Fein and Schneider 2013:26)

And dont forget that you are dressing for your man.

And this has been written by two WOMEN. Two WOMEN in the year of 2013. Well, Mrs Pankhurst would be thrilled at this news I’m sure.

Not only is it patronising to women in giving out these barbaric instructions, it is two fold in making men look like simple beings who actually enjoy these games and/or are tricked into believing that you are actually this ultra cool (and may I say abnormal) lady despite being rather slack, nigh rude when it comes to responding via textual means. I’m not saying drop everything. I’m not saying that you may actually and rather coincidentally be unavailable for four hours and only after this time can respond. That’s cool. We must do our thing. But part of doing our thing is doing what we want, not playing to silly rules in order to apparently entice a date into wanting us.

If anyone was considering reading this rubbish which verges on sexism then I would do so with a view to it being the exact opposite of what it promises to achieve. Following these rules could not only drive you crazy but are a sure way of landing you a pretty screwed up relationship reminiscent of the Victorian era but without the sexy bloomers…..

My new show ‘The Dating Game’ features host Linda who has an equally warped understanding of dating to hold a mirror up to the lunancy...but I am still deeply surprised that some people actually think like this and think this is an acceptable lifestyle choice. Linda is supposed to be funny because she represents an old and outdated way of thinking, or so I thought. 

Nonetheless, if you do want a copy of this book, by all means let me know and you can borrow this one. I’d much prefer that than anyone further lining the pockets of these women.

Fein, E. and Schneider, S. (2013) The New Rules: The dating dos and don’ts for the digital generation. Britain: Piatkus

And now, a morning rant.

This morning, I start my day with the distinct feeling that I may not have enough to worry about. As friends of mine will know, this is a rarity for me and one that I’m sure they would encourage me to enjoy.

I know this due to the fact that I have just sat on a bus and got annoyed, neigh angry, at a seemingly innocent use of an electronic book by another bus passenger. The lady (ignorant to my anger at the aforementioned electronic device) had done little wrong aside from using it. But it made me angry nonetheless and I will tell you for why.

I love books. Real books. Books that you can hold in your hands and spill tea on without them exploding. Love them. Can’t get enough of the little buggers.

 I may not read them much, in fact I rather regard myself as a ‘knowledge collector’ aka a ‘gatherer of books’ than a bookworm per se. But I collect them for when I do eventually have the time to read them…possibly when I retire, when I can sit down with my unnecessarily large book collection (library?), living out my remaining decades learning stuff (that granted would probably helped knowing in life) whilst sipping on futuristic tea and dunking my custard cream and feeling rather clever.

You cannot beat a book. The way it smells, the way it feels and indeed makes you feel when others watch you reading it and think, ‘Ahh, didn’t have her down as an angling enthusiast’. Or that wonderful feeling of racing through the last page of the book so you can smugly slam it shut, knowing that you have read the whole damn thing.

People all look the same reading electronic books. It reminds me of some sort of Doctor Who episode in which everyone gets brainwashed by reading the same rubbish. Like a strange opposites version of ‘1984’….where everyone is actually encouraged to read the same thing, and sit mindlessly reading the same old tripe made readily availiable to them…Fifty Shades of Tripe for example (sorry ladies but similar material has been on the market for ages. Let’s get over it.) Real books don’t break down or malfunction either. Fact. Nor can you place an electronic book on your head in order to improve your posture.*

No, I’m sorry but electronic books are, to me, a step closer to the day when in order to live out our daily lives we will no longer need to leave the house, just think of what our day would be like and get a computer to live it for us. This is my campaign for real books. Down with electronic books. And whilst we’re at it, down with electric whisks as well…..nothing beats a bit of hard cupcake graft.

*Imagine, for example, Eliza Dolittle as she stoops to grab her sudden descending Kindle, ‘Cor blimey guvnor I’ve smashed me book!’.

My Crap Dates...

Audrey Sparrow looking for love at 'Lindas Love Shack' (upcoming project)

As part of one of my final year modules, I have begun devising a one woman street arts performance on the issue of modern dating. I am still currently working on the first part of my devising with a spoof online dating site for others to enjoy, namely 'Linda's Love Shack' which shall be revealed in the near future.

However, today (between various leisurely trips to coffee shops with friends who shall remain nameless but caffeine fuelled) I stumbled across a well known bookshop which I regularly frequent on days that I am feeling both equally rich and intelligent (days that are few and far between I assure you). The bookshop shall not be named.

Ok, it was Waterstones.

Anyway, I happened perchance to stumble across two highly inspiring books regarding said topic of single life and dating and one of which called 'Crap Dates' by Rhodri Marsden. I literally laughed out loud when reading it on the park and ride bus home (much to the concern of the old lady sat next to me) as it contains dozens of real life dating anecdotes condensed down into simple tweets (140 characters max) and published for the world to enjoy. Bizarre, funny and also quite sad in places, it got me thinking about my own dating experiences and more specifically why I decided to embark on this project...

Essentially my point being that dating is crap.

I dont know (yet) if it has always been this crap or if it has been made crap by the modern use of online dating sites, speed dating and the likes of Cilla Black encouraging singletons to cheese up and tune in to blind dates and bad hairdos. Eitherway, it is now and that is what my project is about. So I have decided to condense my most memorable dates into similar tweet format in the hope it will jog a few memories for me and give me the next little push in this exploration. Each 140 characters is a separate date to the last...

A man with an awful smelling leather jacket took me to a greasy spoon café exclaiming ‘I’ll take you here because it’s cheap’. Romantic.

After three months of dating I realised he had no idea of my full name, what I was studying or where I worked. I called it off that evening.

He insisted we go shopping for clothes for me. Picked a great top that I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying. He came out a year later.

Great first date at a restaurant before he walked me home. Yet later he text asking ‘If things picked up a bit, could we have sex?’

He asked me to wear a bikini to our first date. In November. I backed out to later discover he’d planned to take me to a Bob Marley tribute.

 He insisted he was not bi but explained he was very open to sleeping with men.

 

If you have any to add, please do. In fact, I challenge you.

 

Well Red Lady x

 

'Emma Is Now Listed As Single'

Well, it's been a long ole time since my last blog entry. Since then I have been performing at various festivals and events with my characters ‘Sybil the Worlds Last Singing Siren’ as well as ‘Madame Heather the Misfortune Teller’. I’ve been collaborating with other performers for private events and have generally been having a smashing time!

This blog however, marks the beginning of something more serious. It marks the beginning of….MY FINAL YEAR AT UNIVERSITY! Eeek. Its time to bring out the big guns..its time to crack on with some actual work….its time for my independent project!! But to make the journey far more bearable it’s going to be a comic one woman show all about the fabulously tricky world of dating! Hurrah!!!

Having often sat in seemingly awful dates thinking ‘you couldn’t write this’ ironically, I have now decided to. What better way to celebrate the hideous world of dating than to turn it into a one woman show that I can take with me when I graduate to kick start my career as a street artist. Finally, all those expensive dinners (which I felt obliged  to go halves on), the feigned interest in conversations about football, finally it shall be put to good use!

THINGS I WONT BE DOING: Providing a feminist ear bashing about how rubbish men are…on the contrary, I rather like them. Nor will I be exploring the S word which lets face it, is a whole different kettle of fish to dating. I wont be slagging off exes, retelling intimate experiences or creating half an hours worth of self indulgent drivel about my life as a woman scorned by previous partners.

THINGS I WILL BE DOING: Producing a comic exploration of the perils of finding a mate in the modern world.

 

The question is of course- where do I start? There is so much I want to explore including the taboos of dating in the modern world and more specifically the journey and results this has on women. As a former serial dater (ahem) and having tried many forms of modern dating including: speed dating, slow dating, online dating, just-met-you-in-a-bar dating and good old traditional blind dating, I am hoping I will be able to produce a well rounded view of it. Admittedly it may be from my perspective in the main, but as an artist, that’s my prerogative!  I hope to use inspiration from other people’s experiences that they have offered for the project and intend to run some ethical experiments throughout my exploration. This summer I will be setting up tableaus, creative motifs and using puppetry and visual installations to really start digging my teeth in to this gritty, common subject matter. I am currently in a long term relationship and I will be interested to see how this has altered my perception of my previous experiences, looking at them in retrospect. I am hoping this will add a different layer to the piece.

So here is where it’s at to keep up to date with the development of the piece and also offer any suggestions you may have about the work. So please, suggest away.

Poem of the fortnight: War Time Woes

Oh Reggie, my dear Reggie,

How I do miss you so,

Since the day you popped those size ten clogs,

Its been harder than you know.

I always leave an extra cup,

Of tea outside for you,

Just in case you’re feeling parched my dear,

And need a swig or two.

And theres half a tin of spam, my love,

That’s been open for some time,

And some bread that’s gone a little green,

Scrape it off, it will be fine.

I don’t know if you folks get a chance,

To eat or drink my dear,

I don’t imagine ghosts do much,

Too busy spreading fear.

But if you can the options there,

Don’t want you ghouling on an empty tummy,

As long as it won't give you wind,

Though belching spirits would be funny !

Just wanted to check that you’re alright,

And still feeling strong and mighty,

Despite the fact you are deceased,

And wont make it back to blighty.

And did I say Im very proud of everything you did,

Even when you aimed just too far left and shot poor Uncle Sid,

And one last thing, I need to ask, what with you being rather hench,

You couldn’t pop back just for a bit,

And help me build this bloody trench??

Sketch of the fortnight: Confessions of a cleaner...

Well, it’s been all systems go in Well Red Comedy Land, hence the reason for the lengthy passing of time since my previous correspondence!. Projects, work and general goings on have been very exciting and we’re only just into February…

Through my university course, I have been metaphorically reaping the rewards of working with the prestigious street theatre company Periplum on ‘The Art of Demonstration’. A collaboration with the company and my fellow students in the first and second year of our Street Arts course which so far has managed to combine visual installations, clowning, dance, physical theatre, rapping and media (although the list goes on) and we’re not done yet! With just four weeks to devise and perform, the project has been a valuable learning process of the demands of being in a professional street theatre practice and what it means to our society today. We’ve been working on all elements of the show from devising to designing as well as producing and making. If you are interested in coming to this highly recommended and thought provoking  performance it’s invitation only so contact me for further info.

Kayleigh tells all on her cig break

In other news, Well Red Lady has been getting busy creating a wealth of new characters and concepts to get this rib-tickling year off to a very amusing start. In line with a university module, there has been the opportunity to create more comedy characters including Kayleigh, the cleaning lady. If you fancy taking a sneaky peak at her on her ciggy break, follow this link ….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kubFfilSyPQ . Having just worked out how to function my new camcorder, you can expect to see many more sketches in the coming weeks so watch this space.

 That’s all for now you lovely rosy red lot.

 X x

Father Red's box of tricks!

Well hello there gorgeous Redettes.

Hoping you all had a very merry christmas indeed! Blimey, I can't believe it's all over and the new year is almost upon us. What a busy year I have planned! The ever so charming (if akwardly obese) grey haired chappy was incredibly generous to me this christmas and has laden my little red haired arms with lots of street theatre goodies to keep me busy in the year ahead. How exciting!

I was thrilled to find a spinning plate in my christmas stocking, a skill which took me the majority of boxing day to master and yet a days worth of not practicing to lose! Hey ho, I'm sure I'll remember how I did it at some point. Along with this I have been trying my hand at my wonderful glow in the dark poi and was entertaining the masses with them on christmas evening on our front lawn. Alright, mainly just my family and a nosy boy from across the road. They all sat eagerly awaiting me to clonk myself around the noggin with them as the poi were brought to a grinding halt. I seem to be VERY good at this 'trick', performing it repeatedly as I'm sure my siblings will confirm. Suffice to say I enter the new year with a few less braincells than I had before the festive season...ouch!

I was over the moon to receive some lovely latex adornments for my face including 4 sets of false teeth and half of an... (ahem) larger ladies face which puts me in mind of a certain mask-based comedy programme. As of yet I cant talk with these glorious bits and pieces on but am going to work around using them in a street arts performance in the future, so watch this space!

My favourite of all the false teeth!

I was also incredibly lucky to receive a new teeny-tiny-techno-phobe-friendly camcorder too which I plan to use for recording Well Red comedy sketches and popping online in the future for people to get a flavour for the work I can create. This is a project I am really looking forward to.

The odd bit of free time (around working) I have been spending catching up on my juggling and other circus skills- skills in which I am determined to master in the coming months so by next christmas I have a fantastic one woman show ;) There is however, so much to learn and do and I feel like I still have to play 'catch up' with my glorious second year peers who already banked the skills I am learning when they were in their first year. However, onward and upward, must prevail and all that...those clubs won't juggle themselves.....oh, now theres an idea!

Anyway, Happy New Year everyone! May it be filled with success and love and warm fuzzy feelings of greatness.

x x x