And now, a morning rant.

This morning, I start my day with the distinct feeling that I may not have enough to worry about. As friends of mine will know, this is a rarity for me and one that I’m sure they would encourage me to enjoy.

I know this due to the fact that I have just sat on a bus and got annoyed, neigh angry, at a seemingly innocent use of an electronic book by another bus passenger. The lady (ignorant to my anger at the aforementioned electronic device) had done little wrong aside from using it. But it made me angry nonetheless and I will tell you for why.

I love books. Real books. Books that you can hold in your hands and spill tea on without them exploding. Love them. Can’t get enough of the little buggers.

 I may not read them much, in fact I rather regard myself as a ‘knowledge collector’ aka a ‘gatherer of books’ than a bookworm per se. But I collect them for when I do eventually have the time to read them…possibly when I retire, when I can sit down with my unnecessarily large book collection (library?), living out my remaining decades learning stuff (that granted would probably helped knowing in life) whilst sipping on futuristic tea and dunking my custard cream and feeling rather clever.

You cannot beat a book. The way it smells, the way it feels and indeed makes you feel when others watch you reading it and think, ‘Ahh, didn’t have her down as an angling enthusiast’. Or that wonderful feeling of racing through the last page of the book so you can smugly slam it shut, knowing that you have read the whole damn thing.

People all look the same reading electronic books. It reminds me of some sort of Doctor Who episode in which everyone gets brainwashed by reading the same rubbish. Like a strange opposites version of ‘1984’….where everyone is actually encouraged to read the same thing, and sit mindlessly reading the same old tripe made readily availiable to them…Fifty Shades of Tripe for example (sorry ladies but similar material has been on the market for ages. Let’s get over it.) Real books don’t break down or malfunction either. Fact. Nor can you place an electronic book on your head in order to improve your posture.*

No, I’m sorry but electronic books are, to me, a step closer to the day when in order to live out our daily lives we will no longer need to leave the house, just think of what our day would be like and get a computer to live it for us. This is my campaign for real books. Down with electronic books. And whilst we’re at it, down with electric whisks as well…..nothing beats a bit of hard cupcake graft.

*Imagine, for example, Eliza Dolittle as she stoops to grab her sudden descending Kindle, ‘Cor blimey guvnor I’ve smashed me book!’.

My Crap Dates...

Audrey Sparrow looking for love at 'Lindas Love Shack' (upcoming project)

As part of one of my final year modules, I have begun devising a one woman street arts performance on the issue of modern dating. I am still currently working on the first part of my devising with a spoof online dating site for others to enjoy, namely 'Linda's Love Shack' which shall be revealed in the near future.

However, today (between various leisurely trips to coffee shops with friends who shall remain nameless but caffeine fuelled) I stumbled across a well known bookshop which I regularly frequent on days that I am feeling both equally rich and intelligent (days that are few and far between I assure you). The bookshop shall not be named.

Ok, it was Waterstones.

Anyway, I happened perchance to stumble across two highly inspiring books regarding said topic of single life and dating and one of which called 'Crap Dates' by Rhodri Marsden. I literally laughed out loud when reading it on the park and ride bus home (much to the concern of the old lady sat next to me) as it contains dozens of real life dating anecdotes condensed down into simple tweets (140 characters max) and published for the world to enjoy. Bizarre, funny and also quite sad in places, it got me thinking about my own dating experiences and more specifically why I decided to embark on this project...

Essentially my point being that dating is crap.

I dont know (yet) if it has always been this crap or if it has been made crap by the modern use of online dating sites, speed dating and the likes of Cilla Black encouraging singletons to cheese up and tune in to blind dates and bad hairdos. Eitherway, it is now and that is what my project is about. So I have decided to condense my most memorable dates into similar tweet format in the hope it will jog a few memories for me and give me the next little push in this exploration. Each 140 characters is a separate date to the last...

A man with an awful smelling leather jacket took me to a greasy spoon café exclaiming ‘I’ll take you here because it’s cheap’. Romantic.

After three months of dating I realised he had no idea of my full name, what I was studying or where I worked. I called it off that evening.

He insisted we go shopping for clothes for me. Picked a great top that I wouldn’t have dreamed of trying. He came out a year later.

Great first date at a restaurant before he walked me home. Yet later he text asking ‘If things picked up a bit, could we have sex?’

He asked me to wear a bikini to our first date. In November. I backed out to later discover he’d planned to take me to a Bob Marley tribute.

 He insisted he was not bi but explained he was very open to sleeping with men.

 

If you have any to add, please do. In fact, I challenge you.

 

Well Red Lady x

 

'Emma Is Now Listed As Single'

Well, it's been a long ole time since my last blog entry. Since then I have been performing at various festivals and events with my characters ‘Sybil the Worlds Last Singing Siren’ as well as ‘Madame Heather the Misfortune Teller’. I’ve been collaborating with other performers for private events and have generally been having a smashing time!

This blog however, marks the beginning of something more serious. It marks the beginning of….MY FINAL YEAR AT UNIVERSITY! Eeek. Its time to bring out the big guns..its time to crack on with some actual work….its time for my independent project!! But to make the journey far more bearable it’s going to be a comic one woman show all about the fabulously tricky world of dating! Hurrah!!!

Having often sat in seemingly awful dates thinking ‘you couldn’t write this’ ironically, I have now decided to. What better way to celebrate the hideous world of dating than to turn it into a one woman show that I can take with me when I graduate to kick start my career as a street artist. Finally, all those expensive dinners (which I felt obliged  to go halves on), the feigned interest in conversations about football, finally it shall be put to good use!

THINGS I WONT BE DOING: Providing a feminist ear bashing about how rubbish men are…on the contrary, I rather like them. Nor will I be exploring the S word which lets face it, is a whole different kettle of fish to dating. I wont be slagging off exes, retelling intimate experiences or creating half an hours worth of self indulgent drivel about my life as a woman scorned by previous partners.

THINGS I WILL BE DOING: Producing a comic exploration of the perils of finding a mate in the modern world.

 

The question is of course- where do I start? There is so much I want to explore including the taboos of dating in the modern world and more specifically the journey and results this has on women. As a former serial dater (ahem) and having tried many forms of modern dating including: speed dating, slow dating, online dating, just-met-you-in-a-bar dating and good old traditional blind dating, I am hoping I will be able to produce a well rounded view of it. Admittedly it may be from my perspective in the main, but as an artist, that’s my prerogative!  I hope to use inspiration from other people’s experiences that they have offered for the project and intend to run some ethical experiments throughout my exploration. This summer I will be setting up tableaus, creative motifs and using puppetry and visual installations to really start digging my teeth in to this gritty, common subject matter. I am currently in a long term relationship and I will be interested to see how this has altered my perception of my previous experiences, looking at them in retrospect. I am hoping this will add a different layer to the piece.

So here is where it’s at to keep up to date with the development of the piece and also offer any suggestions you may have about the work. So please, suggest away.

Poem of the fortnight: War Time Woes

Oh Reggie, my dear Reggie,

How I do miss you so,

Since the day you popped those size ten clogs,

Its been harder than you know.

I always leave an extra cup,

Of tea outside for you,

Just in case you’re feeling parched my dear,

And need a swig or two.

And theres half a tin of spam, my love,

That’s been open for some time,

And some bread that’s gone a little green,

Scrape it off, it will be fine.

I don’t know if you folks get a chance,

To eat or drink my dear,

I don’t imagine ghosts do much,

Too busy spreading fear.

But if you can the options there,

Don’t want you ghouling on an empty tummy,

As long as it won't give you wind,

Though belching spirits would be funny !

Just wanted to check that you’re alright,

And still feeling strong and mighty,

Despite the fact you are deceased,

And wont make it back to blighty.

And did I say Im very proud of everything you did,

Even when you aimed just too far left and shot poor Uncle Sid,

And one last thing, I need to ask, what with you being rather hench,

You couldn’t pop back just for a bit,

And help me build this bloody trench??

Sketch of the fortnight: Confessions of a cleaner...

Well, it’s been all systems go in Well Red Comedy Land, hence the reason for the lengthy passing of time since my previous correspondence!. Projects, work and general goings on have been very exciting and we’re only just into February…

Through my university course, I have been metaphorically reaping the rewards of working with the prestigious street theatre company Periplum on ‘The Art of Demonstration’. A collaboration with the company and my fellow students in the first and second year of our Street Arts course which so far has managed to combine visual installations, clowning, dance, physical theatre, rapping and media (although the list goes on) and we’re not done yet! With just four weeks to devise and perform, the project has been a valuable learning process of the demands of being in a professional street theatre practice and what it means to our society today. We’ve been working on all elements of the show from devising to designing as well as producing and making. If you are interested in coming to this highly recommended and thought provoking  performance it’s invitation only so contact me for further info.

Kayleigh tells all on her cig break

In other news, Well Red Lady has been getting busy creating a wealth of new characters and concepts to get this rib-tickling year off to a very amusing start. In line with a university module, there has been the opportunity to create more comedy characters including Kayleigh, the cleaning lady. If you fancy taking a sneaky peak at her on her ciggy break, follow this link ….http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kubFfilSyPQ . Having just worked out how to function my new camcorder, you can expect to see many more sketches in the coming weeks so watch this space.

 That’s all for now you lovely rosy red lot.

 X x